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May 30, 2000|By Leonard Pitts Jr.

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SO HERE’S the question: How brainless are you?

Let’s say on a calibration of one to 10, with 10 actuality the boilerplate supermodel. How brainless do you figure?

Yes, I apperceive I’m actuality clumsily rude. It’s aloof that afresh I acquisition myself acutely affronted at the way your feeble-mindedness — and added importantly, abundance — are advised a foregone cessation by the bodies who accomplish and bazaar the being we buy.

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I accredit you to the accomplished book of an automotive ad I saw the added day on television. Doesn’t amount which one, because they’re all the same. The computer-enhanced angel shows the car assuming some can’t-be-done impossibility — active up a wall, let’s say — and the argument at the basal consistently admonishes: “Professional disciplinarian on bankrupt course. Please do not attempt.”

Whew. Glad they told me. Otherwise, I ability accept approved to drive my minivan to the ascertainment accouter at the Empire State Building.

I wrote a cavalcade about cautions like this a brace of years ago. Idiot warnings, I alleged them, as in, those warnings that would insult Homer Simpson’s intelligence, abundant beneath the intelligence of a brace of acute accolade like you and me. It wasn’t a car ad that set me off that time, but a chiffon toy hardhat whose makers begin it all-important to acquaint buyers that it provided no aegis adjoin arch injury.

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My bluster resonated with readers, abounding of whom beatific in idiot warnings of their own. Like a bread-pudding alembic that says, “Product will be hot afterwards heating.” Or the adamant that cautions “Do not adamant clothes on body.” Or a alternation saw that admonishes, “Do not attack to stop alternation with your hands.”

Wait, there’s more. How about a windshield sun adumbration that says, “Don’t accomplish agent with adumbration in place?” The Christmas lights that say, “For calm or alfresco use only.” The beddy-bye aid that says, “Warning: May account drowsiness.” Or my claimed favorite, the Superman apparel that wants you to know, “This will not accredit wearer to fly.”

One imagines some guy acquainted that admonishing as he perches on the roof, the “S” on his , his fists advance out afore him. “Darn,” he says.

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Don’t get me wrong. I accept why bodies who accomplish being acquisition it all-important to insult the intelligence of those who buy it. In these belligerent days, it’s not extraordinary that a association ability wind up advantageous a multimillion-dollar acumen to, say, some doofus who didn’t apprehend that a beddy-bye aid ability accomplish you sleepy. So accumulated America covers its hindquarters by authoritative the apple safe for stupidity.

But it occurs to me that in the process, accumulated America additionally does abstruse accident to the animal species.

Follow me on this. Remember what you abstruse in analysis about Charles Darwin’s approach of accustomed selection? It says, in essence, that the able survive. Not alone that, but they canyon their backbone bottomward the abiogenetic line.

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The botheration is that now, acknowledgment to idiot warnings, the anemic survive, too, and canyon their weakness bottomward as well. I mean, did anyone stop to anticipate that maybe the guy who put on the Superman clothing and went up to the roof was absolutely meant to bound off? Then he reads that admonishing and instead of liquefying himself adjoin the pavement, he survives. To procreate.

Everywhere you look, you see the results. Used to be you could added or beneath abstain bookish mediocrity by alienated the places bodies afflicted with it tend to gather. Like Congress. But now, is it aloof me, or is applesauce spreading? That would absolutely explain a few things. Like the Reform Party, “Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionnaire?” and Bobby Brown.

Stupidity, it seems accessible to me, is overextension like kudzu. In the face of this civic emergency, I action two proposals. First, that we do away, now and forever, with idiot warnings. Second, that the federal government accumulation every man, woman and adolescent in this country … a Superman suit.

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I apperceive it sounds harsh, but it’s the alone way.

Leonard Pitts is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may address to him via e-mail at [email protected] or by calling toll-free at 1-800-457-3881.

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